Thursday, December 14, 2006

Where Our Desires Come From

After spending the last ten years or so studying
psychology and behavior, I’ve come to the opinion that
MOST of our desires, drives, preferences, strengths,
weaknesses, behaviors, and personality traits are
determined by our DNA and some by our social
conditioning. I’m talking about both men and women
Even differences like whether a person prefers
adventure or couch riding are largely a matter of
programming from birth (If you really disagree with me
on this one, read some books on the Myers-Briggs Type
Indicator or try the book Who Am I? by Steven Reiss.)
In any event, HOWEVER they got to be interested in
these common things, most women have a few main
interests, needs, desires, or whatever you want to call
them when it comes to men, relationships, and romance.
Double Your Dating by David DeAngelo ©2001-2005, All Rights Reserved
Have you ever read the personals? Have you ever
noticed how many women say things like “princess
looking for prince”, “friends first”, and “looking for my
soulmate”? Have you ever noticed how almost NO men
ever say these things?
What’s going on?
Have you ever listened to a group of women talking
about men? Ever notice how they speak largely in some
kind of code language and constantly make a big deal out
of tiny details that seem totally irrelevant?
Have you ever noticed, on the other hand, how men
are direct with each other and have no interest in
bickering over small things?
What’s going on?
Have you ever noticed how many women are
attracted to drama?
Here’s my take on this whole subject: Women are
playing out a role that hasn’t changed for thousands (or
millions?) of years. These days the language and clothing
are different. But it’s the same that it’s always been.
There are many parts of human brains that create
drives and desires for different things. Often, these drives
conflict with each other.
For instance, a woman might want a strong man in
her life, but she might also want a feeling of
independence. She might want to have attention, but she
might also want to be seen as above needing it. (Men
have these types of conflicts as well, but in different
So, for example, I hear a lot of men saying things
like, “I hate all the drama that women create. Why do
they create this stuff?”
My answer: Drama accomplishes a lot of things at
once. It gets attention, it sends emotions through the
body (emotions are highly addictive chemicals), it’s a way
to be self-righteous, it’s often fun, it’s interesting and
prevents boredom, it gives things meaning... and on and
on. There are a lot of good reasons for drama. But most
men can’t understand because drama fulfills needs that
It’s like women saying, “I hate it when all a guy can
talk about is sports.” What needs to sports fulfill for men?
Competition, adrenaline, power, domination... all the
typical guy stuff. Incidentally, stuff that fulfills needs that
most women just plain don’t have.

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